I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
