I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
