Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I want to fling myself into the sun
We need to get me chipped asap
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
