How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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