you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize