Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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