he shaved USA in his pubs
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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