I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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