I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
