So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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