I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
What a dumb baby whore.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
