I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
