you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
