Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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