YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
