ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
