I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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