Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I will pee on everything he values.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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