the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize