That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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