wakey wakey hands off snakey
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize