i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
