Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
