So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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