I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
