I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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