Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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