I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
