My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize