I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
