I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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