Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Did I show you my penis last night?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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