just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
