I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
