eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
