I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
