mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
