Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
