Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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