So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
