An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think my moral compass just broke
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