Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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