Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
