Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
