i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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