I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
