I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
