I'd wear matching sweaters with you
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
