I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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