My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
