what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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