you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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