My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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