I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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