I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
