How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
