4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
