We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
