Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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