I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
