I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
