Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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